My Name Is Faith
by Sick Of It All
Summary: What if Faith, not Earl Hickey, had seen Carson Daly talking about karma?
1. Chapter 1

( My Name Is Earl is owned by the awesome Greg Garcia, Amigos De Garcia Productions and 20th Century Fox. I do not own any characters or I would be pretty damn rich by now. No copyright infringement is intended.)

(There are no slayers, demons or mumbo jumbo. I changed the amount won in the lottery so the story would have a slightly different slant)

(Suggested listening, the cover of Boney M's classic 'Rasputin' by Turisas. It has no relevance to the story, I just like the song)

**FPOV**

You know that girl you see who looks smoking hot in leather going into the convenience store to steal hotpockets and buy a pack of Lucky's with a fake ID still wearing the shirt of the girl she slept with the night before but had no idea what her name was. The kinda girl you wait to come out before you and your family go kinda girl you lust over but would kick your nuts up into your throat if you pissed her off. Well, that girl is me.

My name is Faith.

But if you took the time to really get to know me, to find out exactly what kinda person I really am instead of just stereotyping me 'cos of the way I look. Well, you'd be wasting your time 'cos I'm exactly who you think I am. Man, I'd pretty much steal anything that wasn't nailed down, then screw your girlfriend just for the hell of it.

I was born and raised in South Boston, I think Jay Leno once described it as 'a culturally moribund shitpit'. I can see that now.

I didn't have much of a life. Y'see back home I got into a lot trouble with the cops, my teachers, my social workers, you name it and I pissed them off somehow. Mom was a big drinker and didn't really give a damn what I got up to but two years ago we moved out to Sunnydale, California in an attempt to start over. A new life.

It didn't last long.

Mom started drinking pretty soon and I got in trouble again. My court appointed shrink, Dr Hazmat (which wasn't her real name but she had some weird skin thing going on said it was just a 'juvenile cry for help' and that I was 'acting out from anger and boredom'. Hey, I admit I've fucked over a lot of people without givin' a shit about the consequences but who should I really point the finger at for making me this way? Should I blame the years of neglect from my Mom, the crappy neighborhood I grew up in, or the brain rotting effects of Pepsi? The truth is I acted this way 'cos it was expected of a blue collar girl like me, and it was so much easier to be a sinner than a saint. Like Mr Cho, our landlord back in Boston, always said "One man's Mugabe, is another man's Elvis". I guess it just depends on which way you look at it.

In Sunnydale in the only real friends I made were Kennedy as we shared a love of music and mischief. She was my partner in crime, literally at times, but the way I saw it, we were just havin' fun.

And then there was Buffy.

Oh Buffy. The first time I met her as was as if "the poison dart of Cupid had struck me in the chest, like the Washington sniper of romantic interest" as she had the kind of smile that could paralyze a mongoose at a hundred yards (I'm not sure what that is in metric).

I met her at the Bronze and I liked her immediately and although I had annoyed her so, so, SO many times she and her Mom, even her sister, had always forgiven me. Even when the dickless wonders at social services took me away from my Mom until she had sorted herself out, Mrs S had agreed to be my guardian despite my faults, my habits and general pissed offishness. But being still a couple of months shy of being seventeen those official asswipes wouldn't let me live on my own, I mean, shit I practically raised myself. I haven't seen my Mom for four months now. I dunno if that's a good thing or not, but I was so pissed at her for being this waste of a drunk. When I saw the kind of Mom that Buffy had it just made me hate her even more.

But like a jerk I had thrown all the kindness the Summers women had shown me back in their faces by getting kicked out of school for calling that slap headed Principal 'an asexual twatfest', and I don't even know what that means. Anyway like some spoiled brat wanting to prove some point about independence I moved to this crappy motel downtown. Mrs S didn't tell social services hoping that I'd change my mind, even grow up a little and accept their help, but like the stubborn bitch that I am, I didn't. Mrs S would send over Buffy with a home cooked meal a couple of times a week, which I swallowed in seconds, and try to convince me to come home with her, or at least finish high school. But no, like an idiot I told her to butt out my life time and again. She knew I needed money for food and rent and would leave money (probably her Mom's idea) in my motel room on the sly. I felt guilty about that like I was just using them, but as soon as I had my Jack and my smokes, I got over it.

Well that was the excuse I used.

Even though I wanted so much to be with her I knew that I would be no good for Buffy. She deserved someone better than me so I just buried my feelings and carried on playing the role everyone had come to expect of me 'little miss bad ass, fuck 'em and chuck 'em'.

When I went Bronzing (usually 'cos Buffy asked me) I could see the uncomfortable stares of Willow, Xander and the others due to my asshole behavior and I knew they only tolerated me because for some reason Buffy always defended me. Weird chick. But she knew I had her back when she needed to get rid of some douchebag trying to cop a feel. It was purely for selfish reasons. I knew I couldn't have her, I didn't deserve her, but I didn't want anyone else to have her either. When Captain Cockface, or Riley as she called him, came into the picture I just couldn't stand seeing them together so I started to hang with them less and less, much to her friends joy I bet, and went off on my one woman crusade to fuck my world up as much as I could.

I usually spent my days hanging out at bars getting old pervs to buy me drinks, or in the arcade getting teenage kids to pay for the games just so they could play me. Hey, show a bit of cleavage and adolescent boys will do pretty much anything to hang with ya.

I stole from unlocked cars and pickpocketed my way through life, screwing unnamed chicks and not really giving a damn about anything.

It wasn't much of a life but when you've been told since birth that you'll never amount to shit this was the best that east coast white trash like me could ask for. 'The quicker you accept you will never be anything, the easier life will be'. Not much of a mantra but when it's given to you by your third grade english teacher it kind of sticks with you. It wasn't glamorous or nothin' but it was regular enough I guess.

Except it was regular enough until last week.

I had managed to scrape together enough cash for a soda and a lottery ticket by once again not paying my rent. I leant over the hood of a car in the parking lot, ignoring the slightly scared look of the couple still sitting in it and scratched off the foil. My eyes bulged when I realised I had won $10,000!

Ten fucking grand!

No more cheap ass motel or scrounging for food. Fuck yeah! I ran around screaming at my new found wealth and didn't notice the oncoming car until it sent my ass sprawling across the road. As I bounced down the street my leather jacket tore to shreds and my ticket flew out of my hand.

That was the happiest ten seconds of my life.

As I lay still in the road the last thing I saw was my winning ticket being taken on a gentle breeze away from me.

Fuck.

.

**NPOV**

Faith woke in the hospital to a steady chorus of bleeps from machines she couldn't even begin to guess the names of. Her head was fuzzy and her whole body ached as she tried to figure out where the hell she was.

'Hospital. Woop-de-fucking-doo!' she thought as her senses relayed that unwelcome information to her rattled brain.

When she tried to relieve the constant itch in her leg she realised she had a neck brace on but before she could even try to wrench the offending vertabrae positioner off her her eyes widened when she was struck with the memory of her lottery ticket.

"Goddammit" she snapped. "Never see that again. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck".

Her heart sank but before she could pollute the air with anymore profanities an overweight nurse blundered into the room coughing like a Cubatao orphan.

This bloated woman had a nicotine patch on her arm which was obviously not working too well that sat just above a tattoo of James Dean that looked as it had been drawn by a child with no fingers. She leant over Faith to take her pulse, or possibly to reach the defribulator in case of her not-too-far-off coronary. She said nothing as she timed her patient's heartbeat and Faith was grateful she came no closer as she could smell her vile scent. Like Brut pour femme with the added flavor of eggs and, for some reason, cordite.

"Well my dear, you're finally awake. How do you feel?"

"Like I did 'shrooms and got eaten by a bear" Faith groaned out.

Her face bled a smile that clotted on the first of her chins and as she fluffed Faith's pillow her bingo wings flapped no doubt causing sunshine in Tokyo instead of rain. Is that the chaos theory thing? Much Googling later methinks.

"Now take this, it'll make you feel....well, not really better, but a little less crappy". Faith liked her honesty but once she handed her this large pill her view of this corpulent phlegm factory changed.

"Hey lady, how the hell am I supposed to swallow this, It's fucking huge"

Her smile fell, obviously not keen on the swearage and spoke with the typical condescension of a healthcare professional.

"No dear, it's a suppository. It goes in the other end".

"Oh".

The raven haired beauty blushed a little at that as she was helped to turn on her side. That's when Faith's eyes fell to the two duffel bags on the floor by her bed.

"Hey, what's my shit doing here?" she quizzed loudly.

"Oh" the nurse replied casually "Some lady dropped them off yesterday. She said you've been kicked out your motel for not paying your rent. I guess that's all your stuff. Not much to show for yourself is it?"

Oh, that pissed her off.

"Hey, just 'cos your thighs clash like tectonic plates on a planet made of walrus you can't talk down to me like that". Faith had heard those lyrics in a song she couldn't remember the name of. It's crude semantical arabesque had been dancing through her head but she had been waiting ages to find someone to use it on.

The nurse didn't answer. She just handed her the pill.

"What? Just get on with it then you can get back to your pies" Faith said with a sneer.

They just stared back and forth at each other like the main characters in a Ricki Lake fairy tale. Beauty and the Obese.

"Oh no, I can't do it. That's now classed as a form of abuse. You have to do it yourself" she said with sarcasm liberally smeared over every syllable.

Faith took the pill, closed her eyes and thought of the Red Sox for some reason as she slid this greasy lump up her rear entrance.

'Urgh, that felt so, so horrible. How do some people do this for fun?' the irascible patient thought.

The nurse gave her a patronizing pat on the butt and rolled her onto her back.

"Now if you're a good girl I might bring you some jello".

Oh that was it.

"Fuck off fat ass!" Faith roared as her last nerve frayed.

'Uh oh' she thought as she could see a small tear appear in the corner of the nurse's bulbous eye.

'Oh great, why do fat chicks always cry. "They're double the blubber, like an emo whale". Godammit, why can I only remember fat songs at the moment' she pondered.

The nurse composed herself and gathered her things before looking back at Faith. "I may be overweight, but at least I don't let complete strangers watch me stick things up my own butt...... well, not anymore". With that parting shot she left.

Faith's temporary rage quickly subsided as she lay there absorbing the whole scenario. Alone. In pain. No home, no family and no $10,000 lottery ticket. Right then she felt lower than a blues musician during happy hour and if she wasn't so hepped up she would've cried.

She flicked on the TV in a desperate attempt to cheer herself up and possibly get a song stuck in her head that didn't revolve around gravity monopolisers. She didn't know if was because of the bargain basement drugs flowing through her brain or if it was divine intervention, but HE came into her life.

Carson Daly.

She watched him talk to some guy in a cowboy hat she didn't know, but then she heard the words that would change her life

"Seriously, I've been very blessed. I also believe that what goes around comes around and that's how I try and live my life. You do good things and good things happen, do bad things and they'll come back to haunt you. It's karma".

Ho---Leee---Shiiiit!

There it was, the secret of life coming straight from Carson Daly's lips to her morphine laced ears

"That's my life!" she thought. That was her whole world summed up in one soundbite.

"I DO do bad things and look at me. I got nothing and it's what I deserve. I've been bad all my life, sometimes 'cos I had no choice back in Boston, but in Sunnydale I've fucked up and fucked over so many people no wonder my life sucked!".

That message played over in her head for hours before she realised that in order to finally have a good life she had to change. The only way she could possibly have a chance was by undoing all the bad things she'd done in this town.

That's when she made her list.

Faith scribbled down every bad thing she had ever done to anyone in Sunnydale even though her writing was as undecipherable as a doctor's prescription. From number 17 - Headbutted a cheerleader, through to number 54 - Pushed over a port-a-potty.

"This was gonna be hard, but damn, if this karma shit's gonna to lead me to a better life then fuck it, I gotta at least try. But how the hell do I start?".

She swore she'd only said these words in her head but in her state of medicinal confusion she couldn't be sure.

Hearing a knock on the door she looked up still a little drowsy as an overexcited Dawn leapt on her. Faith groaned as this exuberant teen had managed, in one single move, to hit every single bruise and scrape she had.

"Dawn get off her" chided Mrs Summers as she walked in smiling gently in the way that all Mom's should.

Faith stared at Mrs S briefly but quickly redirected her gaze as there beside her was Buffy. Neither one could contain their smiles at seeing the other, even though all of Buffy's friends had called her an idiot for giving Faith chance after chance which she would, without fail, screw up. Buffy continued to flash that patented toothy smile and put some flowers in a plastic vase held together with duct tape.

"I guess I really am in the 'Welfare Wing' of the hospital" Faith joked lamely.

Dawn babbled away about something or other but Faith couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. 'Damn that Xbox and it's attention span sapping ways.'

"DeeDee slow down, I'm still, like, all kindsa headfucked"

"I said, Faith, Mom told me you were having trouble with finding yourself so I got you one of those self help books" she effervescent teen rambled out as she plonked a book into Faith's hands.

"Er, DeeDee, this self help book.........it's by Doctor Kevorkian"

"And?" the perplexed Summers girl asked.

"Well y'see, it's kinda....."

"Dawn, I think Faith needs her rest, don't you Faith" Buffy interjected relieving her friends discomfort, for which she was rewarded by a broad smile from the ailing Bostonian.

"But Buuufeeee" the youngster whined back.

"Come on Dawnie, lets go get a soda" the petite blond said as she dragged her sister out into the labyrinthian hallways.

"Yeah, 'cos that's just what needs - more sugar." Faith deadpanned as the squabbling siblings left her room on their way to find a vending machine.

As Faith lay in bed, her lithe body that was the envy of many a patron of the Bronze, now resembled a neglected Rodin. She looked at Mrs S and seeing the genuine concern on her face left her feeling even worse than before knowing that the last couple of wrinkles to appear were probably her fault.

"Faith, it's so good to see you awake, honey I was so worried about you" she said in that overly warm way that she always did and fluffed her pillow then sat besides Faith taking her hand into her own. That's when Faith couldn't hold it all in anymore and began to cry. Not really cry, but bawl her eyes out like an eight year old who didn't get a Mr Frosty for Christmas. (That's a pain I know all too well, sniff)

She'd shed more tears than a whole generation of kids who wept as Optimus Prime's optics dimmed. Faith hated people seeing her cry but now, just as she reached her medicated low point, here she was being comforted by the one woman she had always trusted, not that she'd tell her that. Stupid pride.

It had been about twenty minutes of Faith spilling her guts in some kind of toxic catharsis to this social matriarch, but it felt so good not to have all that pain, disappointment and tension built up in her anymore.

Mrs Summers just held this poor girl as she let it all out. Once Faith had calmed down she explained just what she had been up to, how she was living her life and the lottery ticket. She omitted certain details as she knew Mrs Summers was already disappointed in her, she didn't want to irrecoverably damage this already fraught relationship.

"Do good things and good things happen to you, do bad things and they'll come back to haunt you" Faith murmured softly.

"What's that sweetie?" Mrs Summers countered as she fussed with Faith's tangled sheets.

"I'm talking about karma, it's something that Carson Daly came up with..."

"Faith, I don't think..." Mrs Summers tried to interrupt but Faith ploughed on with her explanation.

"..he says he does good things in life and that's why his life is so great, got me thinking. My life sucks and I ain't never done anything good I can think of".

"Who's Carson Daly?"

"Really? He's the guy from TRL, ask B about him he's the guy, nevermind, but it got me thinking......if I want a better life, I need to be a better person" Faith said as she reached to her side and pulled out her list handing it to Mrs Summers.

"What's this?"

"I made a list of every bad thing I've ever done to anyone in Sunnydale" the brunette said with an intense honesty.

"Why?"

"Why? I just won ten grand and was immediately hit by a car. Mrs S I almost died 'cos something good happened to me that I didn't deserve, that karma stuff is gonna kill me unless I make up for everything on that list"

Mrs Summers raised an eyebrow mockingly but as she read the list she realised just how hard it must of been for Faith to admit all her misgivings and write them down, having to face her wrongdoings like that.

"Number 31 - Ruined Kelly Stone's baptism"

"I'm no longer proud of that" Faith said with a biting sincerity.

"Number 14 - Stole all the cookies from a girl scout"

"That was wrong of me, I know that now".

"Number 20.......You did WHAT to my roses?".

Faith blushed and quickly pulled her list away folding it neatly and putting it away,

"Oh yeah, that, well Mrs S you're on my list, so is Dawn. And B, several times actually but like I said, I've done a lot of bad stuff, but I wanna make up for it. I want, no I _need_ to change, and by undoing all the shit on my list I think I gotta chance at a real life".

"Faith, if all this is true. You really want to change...." Mrs Summers started but the inferm brunette quickly interrupted her.

"I do, I really do. If I don't..... I think karma's gonna kill me" she said in such a serious tone that the last vestiges of Mrs Summers doubt fell away.

"Just because of some silly list?" she probed hoping to get final confirmation of her new found dedication.

"Hey, my list ain't silly, it's my roadmap to a better life".

There it was.

"Well if you really want this, then I want to help you" came the soothing words of the older woman.

"But I gotta.."

"No Faith, no arguments. I saw the way you were self destructing. All the lying and cheating and stealing. I just hoped that you'd realise just how much damage you were doing not only to yourself but everyone around you who cares for you". She stroked her matted hair tenderly as she spoke "I always knew you were better than you believed you were. And now you're coming home with me"

"What! I...I...I can't I..." Faith spluttered out.

After all she had put the Summers women through they were still willing to help her. Faith felt so disgusted with herself at pissing all over their kindess with her bitter ego. She was about to cry again when the kindly pre-menopausal lady sat on the side of the bed and looked her directly in the eyes. With the neck brace holding her face steady she had no way to avoid the stern gaze.

"For some reason Dawn thinks you're the 'most wicked cool person ever'". Yes, she did use air quotes. "And Buffy, for some reason she always forgives you, she's like me I guess. We can see the good girl deep inside you too scared or too hurt to come out." Faith bit her tongue to hold her tears back.

"I collected all your stuff from the motel and left it here so you would know that someone still cared".

'Actually that wasn't what I thought at all, but I'll let it slide.' Faith mused to herself.

"My insurance will cover your hospital bills, after all I'm still legally your guardian. Now let's get you up and go home. The doctor's told me there's nothing seriously wrong with you. Just bumps, cuts and small case of being in a coma but I see you're over the worst of that" she said with a wry grin.

"But first, there will have to be some changes. Now I'm willing to help you with your list if that's what you want, but as long as you're under my roof you'll have to go by the same rules as Buffy and Dawn."

"Hey, I'm not gonna start going to church and eatin' tofu or nothin'"

Mrs Summers looked puzzled at her outburst but just put it down to the drugs.

She continued "No, I mean no more drinking and partying all night. No more smoking.."

"Number six" Faith waved the list in the air trying to convey her candidness but Mrs Summers carried on.

"There are curfews too and, well I'm sure you remember all the rules you never listened to when you lived with us before."

Faith blushed at that. 'God, was I really such an A-grade A-hole' she mentally admonished herself. 'Yep, guess I was. Man, these guys have always been so good to me, I really am a dick. But I'm not gonna be that girl anymore. With karma guiding me I can't fail. Can I?'

"Don't worry Mrs S, I'm not gonna fuck up this time".

Mrs Summers frowned at her use of the f-word.

'What is it with this town, don't anyone swear on the west coast?' Faith thought to herself.

"Sorry" she mumbled "But I got alot of stuff to make up for. I can't afford to fu...er, mess up this time, or else karma's gonna make me snuff the bucket"

Mrs Summers laughed at the east coast native's frankness as Buffy and Dawn came back in. The younger practically spazzing out now leaving Faith to wonder if she had some sort of e-number problem.

With the help of Mrs Summers Faith explained to Dawn and Buffy about comas, karma and the list. At first they laughed at it but when they saw how serious she was they wanted to help. They knew she had done wrong but everyone deserves a second chance, or in Faith's case, chance number twenty four.

'Damn, I really didn't deserve these guys in my life but I'll make it up to them, all of them' she promised herself.

* * *

Once back in the Summers house Faith disgregarded her usually impetuous nature and had planned on taking a day or two to recover properly before starting on her list as home cooked meals and a decent bed that didn't have questionable stains on it will do that for you. She didn't own much so unpacking didn't take long and as Buffy helped her mother to cook dinner our heroine flopped down on the sofa next to Dawn. As they watched the Loony Toons marathon Dawn picked up Faith's list and flicked through it.

"Faith?" she asked trying to wrest the Bostonians attention away from the screen.

"Hmmmm". That was about all the reply she could expect.

"How are you gonna fix these things?"

Faith sighed and turned to Dawn taking the list from her hands.

"I dunno, start on the easy ones I guess.....like number 3 - Let down the tires on a car" she said.

"So what are you going to do?" the young teen quizzed.

"I dunno, go find 'em, apologize, then do somethin' nice and cross 'em off my list".

Faith was just making it up as she went as she had neglected to think about the full intricacies a mission like this entailed.

"Are you sure?"

Faith glanced at the list once more "I gotta find them first, so until I do..... I dunno, number 10 - Been a litterbug. Tomorrow morning looks like I'm going trash collecting".

"Well that shouldn't take long then you can cross it off your stupid list" quipped the youngest Summers girl.

"I can't cross it off until I've picked up as much as I've littered. And my list ain't stupid, it's my roadmap to a better life" Faith popped back sure that she had already said those words. Deja vu is a bastard.

"Girls, dinner" shouted Mrs Summers and with that they went to eat.

After a steady hospital diet Faith was ecstatic to get her mouth round some real food that wasn't made from roadkill or prepared by an illegal immigrant with a bad cough. She was a little quieter than usual but she alot to consider,

With this new found outlook on life she could show Buffy she was worth the effort and maybe, just maybe, she could come round to the idea of being more than just a friend to her.

* * *

It was now Monday morning and Mrs S had left for work and Buffy and Dawn had gone to school when Faith decided to start on her list. Number 20 - I was a litterbug.

Grabbing Mrs S's gardening gloves, a pair of crappy boots and a load of garbage bags she headed out. Walking through the park picking up empty cans and bottles but tried to avoid the dog poo but it was impossible as she ended stepping in it many times. She carried on picking up all the trash she could as she sweated like a sex offender at a PTA meeting whilst covering herself in crap (quite literally) but she was karma's bitch now. And this was the price she had to pay.

Walking through the parking lot of Sunnydale University she had just scraped up two bras and a half full can of Miller Lite when it happened. She looked at her encrusted foot and in amongst the chewing gum and dog crap ('Great, what is it with dogs in this town. Are they playing playing battleship with their shit' she thought) she saw it.

The lottery ticket. HER lottery ticket.

"Well I'll be damned" she muttered.

She picked it up and that's when she truly felt that karma was now her mistress and was rewarding her for changing her life.

Being under eighteen she couldn't cash the ticket but Mrs Summers could. She deposited the check for her and once it cleared she would transfer the money into Faith's permanently in-the-red account and then give her her brand new ATM card. She just had to wait for the money but she could still cross things off in the meantime.

The next day she got suited up again and headed to the park to carry on with cleaning up the mess. It's not until you start to gather garbage that you see just how much litter there is on the streets.

'Kids!' she thought to herself 'throwing shit tickets in the trees like that. Assholes!'. Yes, she did get the irony of the situation as that had been her after school extra curricular major back in middle school.

Faith didn't notice the well dressed man walking near her until he coughed loudly making her jump spilling trash all over the floor.

"Dammit!" she exclaimed and bent down to refill her bag all the time looking like a cheerleader for the hobo parade.

"You know it's so good to see the youth of today being so civic minded. I hate seeing our fair park being abused in such a cavalier manner. Cleanliness is next to Godliness they say" the voice said with a cheery tone

Faith looked up at this man in his late forties she guessed gleefully eating a snow cone. It was then that she realised that she really, really wanted a snow cone. She licked her lips at the thought but that would have to come later.

"Well, It's on my list". She said as she picked up a sticky copy of Juggs and threw it in the bag. They never come with wipe clean centerfolds these days.

He looked confused but when Faith explained about karma and the list he seemed genuinely intrigued.

"Gosh darn it, that's great. If only more kids were like you. Oh, where are my manners, my name is Richard Wilkins III. Mayor of Sunnydale". He went to offer to shake her hand but when she showed him her gloves soiled with stains not seen outside the gusset of the least hygienic hooker in town, he declined.

"The Mayor? Oh, fuck". That's where she'd seen him before. Yes, he was on the list.

She quickly apologised for her cussing and, taking a deep breath, decided to tell him the truth.

"Er....Sir.... It seems that you're on my list. Number 12 - Ruined the Mayor's golf game," holding up the list pointing to the damning words.

**FPOV**

You see about three months ago I was working part time at this shithole diner just for some extra cash when the Mayor and his cronies came in. They were all polite and I had even put on my best shit eating grin when serving them thinking that I'd get a great tip. But no, they left me two bucks. Two fuckin' bucks! Cheap bastards.

I had overheard the Mayor saying he was playing golf first thing in the morning and was teeing off first. So later that night I went to the golf course after having a few beers, went up to the third or fourth hole, dropped my pants and took a dump in the hole. I had seen in the diner how freaky he was about cleaning his hands and hygiene and shit. I could only imagine the next morning when the Mayor sunk his ball and received a handful of ass gravy when he retrieved it.

**NPOV**

After explaining it to the Mayor he looked angry at first, then a little disgusted. Faith blushed with shame at what she did and her eyes fell to the floor feeling really uncomfortable and kind of stupid.

"Young lady, I love my weekly game of golf and yes you did ruin it." He didn't sound as vexed as she thought so she risked a look up at him to be greeted with a smile which threw her a little.

"But I'm glad that you're trying to fix the mistakes you made."

She breathed a sigh of relief at him not calling the cops or something but he continued.

"Since you ruined my game of golf how about you give me a good game? I'm playing Friday morning. If you want to cross me off your list, I want you to caddy for me."

"But I got something to do on Friday. I'm trying to get back into school but Principal Snyder's being a dick about it" she snorted.

He frowned once more at her unintentionally crude language but profanity was essentially her mother tongue.

"My game is at seven am, yes I like to get there early while the day is still young. Tell you what, it shouldn't take more than an hour or two as we only play a few holes, but if you do a good job caddying I'll put in a good word with your soon-to-be Principal. Deal?" asked the Mayor.

Faith shrugged, "Yeah ok, deal". I mean, how hard could it be? Carrying a few golf clubs around, maybe they'd even let drive those little buggy things. Man, this could be fun' she thought.

"Good, I'll see you Friday morning then. Seven sharp."

"Ok" she replied internally groaning at the early hour.

He started to walk off when he turned back to Faith and looked her up and down "Don't worry about the clothes, we'll find you something more appropriate at the club. There is a uniform for caddies, I'm sure they can help you out".

With that he walked off humming some tune that she kind of recognised that would no doubt stick in her head all damn day. But his parting comment rolled around in her mind.

"Something more appropriate?". She didn't like the sound of that.

(TBC)

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( Authors notes - I have many ideas for future chapters but if anyone has any suggestions then let me know. I gots me a touch of the ol' ADD so I keep flicking back and forth between fics so you'll have to bear with me.

Be prepared for my meandering narration though, I had to cut out huge swathes of this chapter as I went off on one about Healthcare Reform and why Amy Winehouse should be slowly fed into an industrial thresher. Oh, and not all my fics are going to have a hospital scene in the first chapter ;) I was just following the MNIE plot......kind of.

(By the way, shit tickets are toilet roll)

I started writing this a while ago but it took longer that I hoped as the other day I was eating a bowl of Frosties and half my fucking tooth snapped off so it's almost flush with the gum. I'm in quite a bit of pain but there's a lesson for us all there, beware breakfast cereals endorsed by cartoon tigers;)


	2. Episode Dos that means two

(Thanks to Hillary, PRD and Shy for their proverbial kick to the knackers. And thanks to Swarm012 for letting me nick the 'viusal aid' thing from his awesome "You're A What" fic. I haven't told him I'm thieving it yet but y'know....)

(Suggested listening - 'We Suffer But Why' by Napalm Death. It's my favorite song to have sex to ;)

You know the kinda girl who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why her life sucks.

Well that was me. Everytime something good happened to me something bad was always waiting around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realised I had to change.

So I made a list of every bad thing I've ever done and one by one I'm gonna make up for my mistakes.

I'm just trying to be a better person.

My name is Faith.

* * *

Episode Dos - (That means two)

**FPOV**

"Ow, B. Watch what you're doing!", I squawked as for the tenth time she yanked on my hair like she could make it longer by pulling on it as if I was part of the Playdoh mop-top hair factory. Just the super hot edition not available to kids.

"Oh quiet you big baby...Willow, can you hand me those pins?"

This was so not the way I had planned on making things right. I mean, I had limits...and I was getting pretty damn close to snapping and throwing a spectacular hissy fit which would be really crossing over into trademarked Buffy territory. But then B would get all whiny that I was all whiny (sigh) it wasn't worth all this surely?

On B's bed lay my new leather pants that Mrs S had bought me and my 'Fuck C*ns*rsh*p' t-shirt which she was not enamoured of and I wanted more than anything to slip them back on and get the hell out of these stupid clothes.

Looking in the mirror I waited for the diaphragm of dignity to contract but nothing was going to stop this, and I watched as my self respect went the way of the Dido I just had to ask...how did I get myself into this?

_// FLASHBACK - LAST NIGHT //_

After yet another gutbusting dinner prepared by Mrs S as, to be honest, the rest of us sucked at cooking, and me and B were sitting on the sofa not really watching the piss poor attempt at comedy that poured from the TV.

"Did Xander text you yet B?"

"No, I thought he was going to try and.....oh, oopsie, it's off. Sorry, I had better phone my turn on"

We both stopped and glared at each other to make sure we actually heard the same thing but as soon as she blushed I knew I had and exploded with laughter. Spoonerisms didn't get much better than that and as my eyes watered with Buffy's unintentional hilarity I had to hold my sides as they really began to ache. I saw her sad little face like Droopy on a comedown and wanted to apologise for laughing at her but once I took in her hangdog expression it just fuelled me further.

"I didn't mean that!", she protested, "It was just a slip of the tongue"

Oh, shit B. Set me up why don't you. No, that one was too easy to ride. Heh, riding her tongue...now I'm doing it. Damn.

Once her embarrasment kicked down a notch she slipped into her other expression.... but this time I was prepared.

"Shit B, are you ok?"

"Shut up"

"But your face, it's all like... mental or something, are you sure you're not sick Buffy?"

"No, I'm pouting"

"Is that what that is?", I chuckled, "Christ, I thought you were having a stroke or something, and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life wiping your ass....not when I should be spanking it, and it's no fun if you can't feel it"

That shut her up. It was always good to show Miss Summers she couldn't _always_ use the pout to get the upper hand. Fair enough, most of the time it worked, but I got her beat on this one. I think the score now stands at Faith 1, Buffy 43.

"God Faith, why does everything you do or say revolve around innuendos?", she flustered with a steadily heavying blush. You'd think at some point she'd get the anvil weighted hints I kept dropping around her. Surely she must have thought there was something weird when I sat through 'Bi-Centennial Man' just to be with her, though afterwards I did want to stick my face in a Foreman endorsed mechanism. But still, time to move in for the kill.

"B, why do you have to complain about every little thing I do?"

"I SO do not F", she snorted back.

"Man, next you're gonna be bitching at me for teaching Dawn how to activate her clitoris", I smirked.

Bad move.

B was pissed. I mean _really_ pissed. Like 'missed the 90% off sale on Jimmy Choos' kind of pissed. If there was a line in the sand I think I just took a running jump across it doing a drunken Irish jig.

"WHAT??!!"

Damn, she really could screech when she wanted to. It's hard to imagine that this tiny girl who buys her t-shirts in the Junior Miss department being so loud, I really think she should try to put on some weight 'cos as we all know, fat people are harder to kidnap. For someone so small she must have a set of lungs the size of a catamaran. (Not that I know what one is).

"Jeez, B. I was just joking", I attempted to soothe. But it seemed that anything I said was like peeing aviation fuel onto an already fiery rage.

"Faith, that is NOT funny. You do not joke about...god!", she yelled with such a serious look of disgust I could kick myself. Or I could wait until Mrs S came back from the basement and she gladly would do it for me. I had to undo this...and quick.

"Shit..I'm sorry B...I just didn't think.."

"You never do Faith, that's your problem"

She looked really.....hurt. She stormed upstairs banging her stylish yet affordable shoes on every single step like Mr Majeika giving up on his search. Each thud was a nail in the coffin of my hope that one day she would finally get that she could be my smizmar.

God, I'm such an asshole at times.

"Faith, what did you do this time?", Mrs S asked as she wandered in carrying a basket of freshly ironed laundry.

"What makes you think _I_ did anything?", I asked with my most charming smile of innocence.

She wasn't buying it. That shy grin usually works on everyone but she just glared at me like I'd just zuffled on the pope's robes.

"I'll go fix it", I sighed as I forced myself from my worn-in position on the sofa and headed upstairs. What is it with these Summers women and their facial expressions? Pouts, glares, they have the market cornered on Faith manipulation. Man, if the army had their resolve they'd crack those terror suspects in no time, but that'd take all their fun out of waterboarding, electro shock, White Stripes cd's stuck on repeat, industrial mace, reading rampant jake's crappy fanfic, beatings with a pillowcase filled with batteries, the....

Before my internal list of Rush Limbaugh sponsored torture techniques could ramble on in my head I realised I was now standing at Buffy's bedroom door. I took a deep breath and knocked gently waiting for her to start round two.

Nothing.

I took the initiative and opened the door a crack.

"B?", I called softly. She didn't answer, she was just lying on her bed facing the window. Silent treatment and avoidance of looking at me? Crap this is worse than I thought.

I walked in and sat on the other side of the bed and put my hand on her shoulder from which she pulled away and shuffled even further across until she was laying right on the edge. She wasn't even hugging Mr Gordo. This was bad as that pig could solve any of her worries like a porcine Oprah.

"B?.... Buffy, I'm sorry"

Nothing. Not even a shrug of contempt.

I knew I had to do something and fast. I loved it when I put a smile on her face, it was such a beautiful smile and it was all mine. When I deserved it that is.

I saw one of her old socks on the floor and an idea came to me.

I slipped it over my hand and crawled under bed until I sneaked my way around to the side she was facing. (cough) Doesn't she ever clean under here?

"Faith what are you doing?", she said in her annoyed voice as she felt me stir under the mattress.

I didn't like that voice. It was the one she always used when Dawn would steal her jeans and leave Gummi bears in the pockets which she would only find _after_ they'd been through the wash.

I popped my hand covered in her scuffed white sock up by the side of the bed to where I assumed her face still was and jiggled it around.

"Hi, Buffy. I'm Mrs Socko, nice to meetcha. I hear that your friend has been acting like an insensitive jerk", I said in the stupidest Elmo-esque voice I could.

"No, it was Faith.... and she's really pushing our so-called friendship"

Ouch.

"Well then Buffy why don't..."

I, I mean Mrs Socko, was cut off by Mrs S walking in with a handful of lemon fresh pressed clothes for her irked princess.

"Buffy I..oh", she said as she saw her ragged pissed daughter being seduced by a sock puppet with a toe curling Skeletor style nasal whine. In hindsight, probably not one of my better ideas.

"Hi Mrs Summers, I'm Mrs Socko", I greeted her trying desperately to lighten the mood of the room which was so cold you could cut glass with my nipples.

"Well hello Mrs Socko, have you come to cheer up Buffy?", she asked instantly getting into it. Wow, she really was a wicked cool Mom.

"Yessiree, say Mrs Summers, have you heard that Buffy's _friend_ Faith has been acting like an insensitive jerk?", I stressed the 'friend' part.

"No, but then again I'm not surprised"

I tried to flip her off but it just made Mrs Socko look more like the Elephant Man.

"I'll just leave you two alone then", Mrs S said as she turned to leave, "And Faith, I could tell what you were trying to do with your finger"

I suck at life sometimes.

"Well Buffy", Mrs Socko continued in her helium tone despite the strain on my cigarette ravaged throat, "I have it on good authority that Faith wants more than anything to make it up to you"

"Yeah? How?"

"Er, I dunno. Hang on", I craned my socked hand down so it seemed like it was looking at me, "Whatcha gonna do Faith?"

"Shhh, don't let her know that I'm here", I said back to Mrs Socko.

There it was. A Buffy giggle, it wasn't much but it filled my heart with a joy like a rhinoplastician at the altar of Streisand.

She was starting to crack.

"Oh sorry", my puppet partner in crime continued, "Yeah, in fact I think she'd like me to sing a little song for you. Would you like a little song Buffy?"

"I don't think I.."

"Hello Buffy Summers, I think you're very pretty......I'd like to kiss you on the lips and also kiss your ti...".

"Stop!", Buffy said as she grabbed Mrs Socko's face shutting her up. I could tell by the tone of her voice that B's igloo of anger had melted with my brazier of dumbassery. Is that even a word? It is now.

"Faith", she said softly.

I slid out from under her bed covered in dust and twinky wrappers. Low fat yogurt my ass!

"Aww, B. How did you know it was me", I pretended before I looked at Mrs Socko's fluffy face which stared back, "Mrs Socko! You told"

I grabbed my sock covered hand and dropped to the floor out of B's sight and attempted to wrestle the sock. Yes, it was as stupid as it sounded. I pulled it off and threw it high in the air and watched as it arched across the room until it landed on Buffy's vanity knocking her lipsticks everywhere. She always had to have them standing up and in a certain order though she denies any OCD.

"Noooooooo", I squeaked as if it were the final death throes of Mrs Socko.

And then it came. Another giggle. Not enough to forgive me but my sock buddy had made it's magic work.

"Faith", she said lightly.

I pulled myself out fully and leant my elbows on her bed near her face and let my head flop like a Friends spin off. She tried to fight it but a tiny smile began to form.

Gotcha!

"Look, I'm sorry I embarrassed you B. I should've known that Dawn's naughty areas came with a high ick factor"

"That's putting it mildly"

"True, but I _am_ sorry"

"You always like to embarass people, Faith. You do it just for kicks don't you?"

And that's when I realised what karma was trying to tell me to do next on my list. Number 9 - Embarassed Willow At One Of B's Parties.

_// FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK //_

_"Say Red, if humans are descended from apes, are ginger people descended from orang-utans?", I yelled across the assembled mass of sugar fiends as I went to go upstairs as I was bored with their alcohol and full frontal nudity free shindig._

_I chuckled to myself as she blushed again. It was so easy with her that it lost it's edge. But not quite all of it..._

_I left them to laugh or bitch about me, anything to get a reaction right?_

_After I went to bathroom and 'borrowed' some of Mrs S's medication so I could sell it to Deadhead Henry who hung out at the pool hall, but as I jiggled the brand name pills into my pants hoping they wouldn't show through like I had localised haemorrhoids, I saw this dried plant thing in a vase at the top of the stairs. I recognised it (not sure how or why) but my mind sparkled at the thought of what fun I could have with them. Y'know me, anything for a laugh._

_I slowly walked downstairs taking each step deliberately slowly and banging my boots heavily so everyone's attention would focus on me._

_"What's that Faith?", Buffy asked as I waltzed into the living room running my hands across the plant in question. Playing with it between my nicotine yellow fingers and my thumb which had the permenant indentation of the 'x' button from the playstation joypad which was almost surgically attached to my hands these days. _

_"Oh, I just love the feel of your pussy-willow", I moaned out cruelly._

_All the air sucked out of the room as Red's face flashed the color of her hair. They all stared at me mortified. I think they were just jealous that they didn't come up with it first but seeing their faces drop just made me even bolder._

_I couldn't help but push it further as I held the plant to my nose and sniffed deeply and sighed lustfully._

_"Mmmm, I just love the smell of your pussy....willow". Now I was seperating the words as young Miss Rosenberg began to hyperventilate as her blood flow seemed to be re-routed directly to her freckly face._

_"Faith don't", Oz pleaded as his girlfriend started to get lightheaded and dig her fingernails into his strumming hand. After all, he wasn't getting any from Red and would be needing it later to hoover the seasick porcupine if you get my drift. _

_The horrified looks only intensified as I ran my tongue over the end of the plant, I had just one more broadside to unleash....._

_"Oh yeah, I just love the taste of your..."_

_"Faith STOP!", Buffy yelled as she stared me down with a look of disappointment and hurt for her friend, but I could see a glimmer of amusement too. I rocked and I knew it._

_Willow's tears ran silently down her face as everyone in the room stared at her and, now the image had been placed firmly in their minds, were thinking about Red's murky basement._

_"I..I..have to go", she blurted out as she ran from the Summers house weeping at being humiliated so badly in front of her friends like this. Oz ran after her like the whipped puppy he was, man I'm never gonna get that way over someone. Loser._

_I was now in full on Muttley mode with my laughs._

_"Faith you are such an asshole sometimes", Buffy grunted at me as she ran out the door after her friend._

_Xander didn't say anything. Not sure if he was pissed at me or just still stuck in his head over the idea of Willow's undersmile, but he too left._

_Then there was silence. _

_Everyone had gone._

_At first I felt a bit crappy but then again, it made me laugh so that was all that mattered really. Can't they get a joke? Bunch of fucktards._

_Silence._

_More silence._

_"Oh pussy....Willow...I get it now", Dawn said._

_Crap, I forgot she was here. _

_Dawn is kind of like finding Weetabix in your underwear, at first it's kind of disturbing, but then you get used to it._

_// END FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK //_

"B, Have you got Red's number....I know what I've gotta do", I said regretfully as I attempted to put all her lipsticks back where they belonged.

Twenty minutes later and the three of us were standing in Buffy's room like auditionees for a Russ Meyer revival. We stared at each other saying nothing and doing even less. It was like working in Burger King.

Willow looked everywhere she could except at me and sat on B's bed toying with Mr Gordo, hang on, I thought Jews didn't like pigs? But I knew I had to start this so I turned to Buffy whose face was a cross between a peachy fuzzy girl and a level boss spawned by Sega.

"I'm sorry for earlier B, but I'll make it up to you, I'll take you shopping or some shit..."

"Really? Cool", she tried to hide her excitement but when it came to retail therapy she was like a Chinaman in a shop full of bulls.

I turned to Willow who still hadn't looked me in the eye and I stopped dead in my verbal tracks. But with an encouraging nudge in the back from B I went into full-on apology mode. With B I could handle it, but apologising to others? Not as easy.

"Re..I mean Willow, you remember that whole 'pussywillow' thing?"

She didn't answer. Just nodded and blushed again. I'd better get a paper bag just in case.

"It was a bad thing, I get that now and well.....I'm sorry....", her head perked up at that, "I wanna make up for it. Well the way I see it, I embarassed you in front of your friends, so I guess it's only fair if you embarass me in front of them too. I bet you've got some fucking hideous frilly pink dress hidden in your attic that you're just dying to see me squirm in".

"What do you m..mean?", she stammered back. For a genius she could be such a _Jacques-ass_, pardon my French.

"Eye for an eye, I embarassed you, you get to embarrass me. I don't think I can be any clearer than that, Red"

"Oh, I see", she replied. The icy atmosphere was definitely on the thaw and, if my eyes didn't deceive me, a small smile began to tug at her lips. Mmm, I never noticed her lips before, they're quite cute. I can see why Oz wants a piece of that pie. Cherry flavored I'll bet.

"I pissed off B as well today, I know, shock horror right? Well since you're already plotting some horrible girly fate for me, B, I'm really going to regret this, but you can give me something you've been dying to"

"...."

Her mouth opened and closed as I could see her mind flicker through a hundred different thoughts. I'd bet a thousand bucks that half of them were naughty. But I'd better let her off the hook, there's plenty of time for mockery later.

"B, I meant you can give me a makeover"

"Really?"

"Yeah, why what did you think I'd let you give me?", I purred.

I couldn't help but tease her. It was so easy, but if I carried on maybe one day she'd understand why I kept saying them.

"If Red is gonna do some gross dress thing, you might as well do the rest. Two birds with one stoner and all that", I shrugged

"It's one stone"

"I know what I said", I winked back.

Buffy's smile widened as she realised what I was doing. Willing to make an ass out of myself to try to make up for something off my list. But that sparkle in her eye made me gulp a little as I knew she could be a devious little bitch when she wanted to be.

// END FLASHBACK //

So that's why I'm now sitting on B's bed wearing this stupid bridesmaids dress which makes me look like an overgrown five year old. It was this gross frou-frou piece of crap with these stupid poufy sleeves that came just below my shoulders. Damn that lace was making me itch like hell and worst of all it was made of some kind of pink space age material, the kind that Liberace would wrap his Thanksgiving turkey in.

"Leave it alone", B said and slapped my hand away from it's irritating neck line.

(( To see the dress go to . ))

"Stop squirming Faith", Willow said as she wrapped two white ribbons around the bunches in my hair and tied them into bows. B had swept my hair into braids originally

but decided to go with bunches and a shitload of sausage curls. Dork.

I think Buffy went overboard with the blusher as I looked like I had been stung by the hepatitis Bee. If there was a god why didn't she get off her La-Z-Boy and hit me with lightning or smallpox or something as this was fucking torture.

"Oh, Faithy, you look sooooo sweet. I think you should dress like this more often", blondie gushed in an annoying babyish voice.

"Like fucking shit I will!", I snapped back. I was going to take to this like Britney to motherhood.

"Well aren't you the little obscenius", Willow quipped obviously amused at her own play on words.

I looked down and fidgeted, partly out of discomfort but mainly because I felt like a complete prick. Even Cyndi Lauper in her crystal meth period didn't look at ricockulous as this.

"Where the fuck did you get this thing Red? Were you a bridesmaid for a Care Bear or something?"

"Hey, don't knock Care Bears Faith. And no, this was from my Aunt Carole's wedding years ago, I was only four so I was a flower girl but somehow we ended up with all the dresses from the wedding. We just never got rid of them, wasn't that lucky?"

"Yeah, real lucky", I shot back flatly.

"Didn't you ever want to be a flower girl Faithy?", Buffy chimed in.

"B, in kindergarten I was voted most likely to appear on the side of a milk carton".

"You weren't....were you?", the redhead nerd asked.

"Nah, not really, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was true". Those So-Bo teachers were assholes.

"Well, now you have the opportunity to look all girly and pretty", Buffy beamed loving every moment of me being her and Red's living dress up doll.

But I was karma's bitch now, and if this was the price I had to pay to make everything better well then so be it.

"I think we're done now, right Willow"

"Absolutely, time to show you off", she snaffled back.

Come on god, just one little debilitating plague, that's all I ask.

"Ready", Buffy hollered down to the living room.

I stood at the bottom of the stairs after almost plummeting down them in these stupid three inch white pumps of Buffy's, who would've thought that we had the same shoe size, go figure. I held the rail as I was suddenly gripped by a dread like I'd just received a birthday invitation that was postmarked 'Neverland'. This was too much, I couldn't do this.

I wanted to run back upstairs but it was currently being blocked by a giggling B and Red. Normally I would swear revenge on their asses, but that was the old Faith. This new and improved flavor of me would have many more knocks coming my way. I signed up for this and so I took a deep breath and went to face my girly fate.

As soon as I entered the living room I was glad I wasn't epileptic as a whole shitload of camera flashes went off in my eyes accompanied by a chorus of laughter the likes of which we had not heard since we watched the orginal Adam West Batman movie. 'Holy hard on Batman, your ass looks great in spandex'!

I made sure my pupils hadn't been reduced to burnt out cinders and looked around to see Kennedy about to have an aneurysm as her laughter dominated the room, only encouraged by Xander, Oz, Dawn and Cordelia's chortles and repeated snapshots of me. It was like one of those horrible Ricki Lake specials, from 'Bad Ass To Barbie'.

"Hey, this wasn't part of the deal inviting Ken over here"

"You said I could embarass you in front of your friends...she's your friend.... so she's here", Willow gloated.

"Yeah b..b..but I..". Piss it, she had me there. Stupid oral contracts.

I looked over at the socialite turned socialist turned lesbianarchist and just glared at her. I hoped she wasn't going to go too far down the path of the feminazi and start declaring 'Clittorati Uber Alles'.

"Eat my fuck K-Mart", I snarled out but in my current get up I was as menacing as a puppy in a candy store. Wrapped in a rainbow. Choking on pixie dust.

"Faith!", Mrs S chided. She still didn't like my crude language but I do believe that the mouth is just the asshole for the mind. And profanity makes talking fun.

I wasn't used to blushing and the blusher that B had smeared all over my face with a housebrush only made it seem even brighter which caused yet more photos and laughter. Which made me blush harder....I was stuck in a loop here.

"Damn, Faith...looking good", Queen C teased.

"Screw you Gucci girl"

"Pfft, like you could even recognize Gucci, you think 'Goodwill' is a brand name store, oh god bless your slutty heart"

"Fu..."

Willow tried to muffle her laughter but Dawn and Kennedy just guffawed openly with tears running down their faces, I wanted to stomp my heel on the floor and storm off but that would've just made things even worse. Besides, who the hell even acted like that? Oh yeah...Buffy.

All this pointing and laughing at my expense was awful, so this is how Red felt? Damn, this sucks. But this was what I signed up for so I had better get used to it.

Even Mrs S had to cover her mouth to stop her giggles. This whole world is against me, I swear.

"Now, Faith you look lovely. Come over here so I can take a proper photo of you. One where your middle fingers aren't raised. Come on, try and look pretty", Mrs S cooed, but behind her stifled giggles was a serious tone, and she really wasn't a woman to fuck with.

"Wait, Faith. Hold these", Willow laughed as she handed me a bunch of purplish posies.

Their stems crumpled in my hands as I pictured myself choking her thin neck.

"You're really loving this aren't you, Red?".

I growled.

She laughed.

"Well yeah", she admitted,"But now you know how I felt with that whole....thing"

She still couldn't say pussy out loud. Ha-ha.

"I get it Red, I really do....and I'm sorry for doing that shit to ya"

"Hang on, did Faith just apologise....let me just check if hell's frozen over", Xander joked. I wanted to slap his face for that, but then I would have to add it to my list and he was already on there a couple of times. Did I mention the whole 'stuck in a loop' thing?

"Wow, well thankyou Faith. I know how horrible this is for you...so you can cross me off your list", Willow eagerly said with a smile and even hugged me. Hey, she wasn't bad once you got to know her.

She grabbed one of my arms and B took the other as they took yet more photos.

"F..F..F..hahahahaha", Kennedy still couldn't get my name out.

Twat.

Mrs S could see how pissed I was starting to get at my best bud so she, as ever, came to my rescue like a post op John Wayne.

"Actually Kennedy, I think I have another bridesmaids dress down in the basement, maybe you'd like to try it on. You'd look so cute in it", she gushed sarcastically.

That shut her up.

"Er, no thanks Mrs Summers...I'll just....is that the time? We gotta motor. Ready guys?"

"Where you heading?", I asked.

"Bronze. You coming?"

"Hell no, I embarassed Red in front of you lot, so she's done the same to me. So we're even"

"Oh come on Faith, don't you want to show off your new look to everyone", Buffy sing-songed.

"Now girls, I think Faith has done more than enough tonight, I think she's shown you all just how sorry she is and the lengths she has gone to prove that, right sweetie?", Mrs S backed me up.

"Right, and Bronzing in this, no fu...er, no thankyou", I amended under Mama Bear's watchful eye.

"True, I mean old Faith would've made some vague threat about wanting to kick my tits off but this Faithy is sooooo cute", B mocked and pinched my cheek.

"You're really pushing it B", I snarled through my teeth.

I think that's when she realised that even in Faithtown there are boundaries and she was about to kick over the city limits sign and pee on the steps of the courthouse.

"I'm sorry Faith, but it just shows that you could look really good if you tried."

"I could look good?"

"Good enough to eat".

Uh-oh, the classic Buffy joke backfire...so cue furious blushing.....there it is. Sweet.

By now the chuckles from Ken had stopped, that's when I noticed the way that she and Red were glancing at each other. There was a strange look between them that lingered like a haunting refrain in a celtic lullaby. Where the hell did that come from?

Hmmmm.

But before I could get another ticket for the Rosenberg embarassment train Buffy continued.

"Faith, I can see how much you hated this and how hard it was for you. So you can cross the 'puked on my shoes' thing off your list for me"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Cool"

"Sure you won't come to the Bronze. I'm sure we could hook you up"

"Looking like this I couldn't even pull Bo-Peep, nah you go, I'll just hide here and pretend that this shit didn't happen"

"I get it...bye Mom", she yelled as the gang piled out the door smiling widely at the evening's funtics wanting to upload their photos as soon as they could, but Buffy stopped when she realised she'd, as usual, forgotten her keys.

She ran into the kitchen and picked them up and brushed past me on the way back out. Then she did something I wasn't expecting.

"Later Faith", she said and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was just a peck but it came with such a sweet smile that I really felt that karma had rewarded me. Was it worth humiliating myself like this in front of everyone just to get a kiss from B? Hell yeah.

"Come on honey, let's watch TV. I think Captain Caveman's on", Mrs S said. She always knew how to cheer me up.

Mrs S and I sat on the sofa as the hairy throwback destroyed most of Manhattan and I felt sleep work it's way over me so I cuddled (yes I cuddled, wanna make something of it?) into her warm and loving arms and she softly stroked my hair.

"That was really brave what you did tonight. I'm so proud of you Faith", she whispered and gave me a small squeeze with a little kiss on the forehead. I returned the hug but kept my head down as I didn't want her to see the tear that leaked from my eye. Did I mention she was one hell of a Mom? I just wish she was mine.

I just gotta get some sleep now, got a big day tomorrow.

(( To Be Continued ))

Today's chapter was brought to you by the letter 'H', the number '7' and the behavior modification drug 'Ritalin'.

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(Authors notes - Before you say anything, yes I know this was ridiculously girlie but I wanted to do something OTT and fun. And what can I say? I love 'Never Been Kissed' and her prom dress is _the_ most hideous thing in creation. And I did borrow a bit from Happy Campers too, oooh plagiarist me!)

(If you don't know Brit metal scoundrels Napalm Death, their song 'We Suffer But Why' is 1.3 seconds long)

(And yes, I decided to break the so called 'fourth wall'. Hey, it's my fic and I can fuck it up without your help ;) xx)


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